Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. What do you call a leprechaun who scams you? What is nuahcerpel? !, No she replied. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" ", A guy walks into the bar bathroom and begins to relieve himself at a urinal. An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. Want to hear a funny yolk?. Paddy OFurniture. What are you after doing? replied his wife. Erin. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. A: The Jolly Green Giant! Crypt o' Currency. Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". Do you know a good joke which isn't here. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. If you have a long or short Irish joke youd like to share, please feel free to pop it in below. and the little fela says no im just a Goblin! Anto replied, Delighted? gentlemen? The Englishman says, The pubs in England are the best. What do you call a fake Irish stone? And the leprechaun says, "Well that's gonna take some doing. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. Because they have green thumbs. Calling a woman a "fine colleen" is likely to lead to you getting a kick in the shins. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!. The couple is in bed when the phone rings at two am. When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. A Paddy long legs. What do you call a frog that jumped into a pot of gold? Paddy drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. So no offence is taken. the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain Q: What basketball team do leprechauns cheer for? Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers? A: Sham-rock and roll. BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. He uses a hare dryer. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. "I named my pee-pee 'Guinness' Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. But before you pull out your favorite green sweater, you better be prepared to entertain your friends and family with some funny St. Patrick's Day jokes and puns. The first leprechaun asks, "tell me father, do you have any leprechaun nuns in your church?" Here's to a long life and a merry one. Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit. What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation? Urine luck! Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. To stop himself from falling into the stew. I havent found her head yet!. Jade is a seasoned traveller, yoga enthusiast, adventure seeker and travel writer passionate about seeing the world and sharing hidden gems with others. The guy replies "I'm 25yrs old , why do you ask?" The red ones were in the wash! What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland? WebQ: Whos the worlds tallest leprechaun? What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? Q: What do leprechauns yell when they first see an Irish shoreline? Shes over the fu*king moon!'. A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when theyd milk it theyd take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and. "Gurl, I will sham rock your world." Aleperchaunspelledbackwards. Game clover! Except me mammy, of course!, Well then, says Seamus. A: Small talk. The American guy asks, "So when do I get that big dick ?". Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. St. Patrick's Day Toasts So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree. He is through the brush and up the tree. He loves comedy, cybersecurity, and innovative technology. The guy replies, fuck off I'm not gay. The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." What do you call a diseased Irish criminal? The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow. Q: What do you call leprechauns who collect cans and plastic? Antos missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. I've been sharing them in letters with my son who's in bootcamp. He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Well you caught me lassie! A Guide To Weather, Seasons + Climate, How To Get Around In Ireland: The Pros + Cons To Cars, Tours and Public Transport, Airports in Ireland: Where They Are And Which Is The Best To Fly Into. The bartender asks the priest what he wants. The farmer accepted without blinking. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. St. Patrick's Day is one of our most favorite days of the year. WebSturdy (@thedirtyleprechaun) on TikTok | 136.9K Likes. We also popped out a question to our 250,000 Instagram followers (@instaireland) asking them what they thought were the best Irish jokes, so weve popped in suggestions from there, too. A week later the lad comes back. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going. That's the Irish for You! Police believe they're all victims of character assassination. A: Shortstop. Q: Why did the boy lock himself in his house on St. Patricks Day? Leprechauns are one of the reasons to wear green on Saint Patrick's Day, otherwise there's a risk you will get pinched. A: To stop himself from falling into the stew. A farmer!. I dont have four leaves, but if you pluck me, Ill give you luck! 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Plus youll get a fun bonus Halloween Lunch Box Jokes Printable (30+ Days of Jokes). What instrument would a show-off play on St. Patricks Day? Look up! Q: What is a blondes' reaction to hearing "drinks are on the house". All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water. They like to "go" first class! He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" Who's there? He was tragically malicious. I said, what have you been up to? The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question. Ive some bad news and some terrible news for you.. Sure, theyre great at shorthand! "I gotcha! Warren who? So here is this leprechaun going to town on this poor fella, when all of sudden he stops and ask the guy, "By the way laddy , how old are you?" Why are so many leprechauns gardeners? The man replies "I am 29 years old." A: He gets wet, Q: Why did the leprechaun cross the road? Dirty jokes, to be precise, are as common in Ireland as sheep on a country road, so we just had to create a list of the best to give you a good laugh. A: Youre my lucky charm. A: Irish soda bread. Knock Knock I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Two Irishmen at a funeral Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. He took a shortcut. (With Irish accent) If liquor were a pond and I were a duck Id swim to the bottom and never come up A sham rock Apparently, asking a dwarf why he isnt wearing his leprechaun costume was offensive. Goes for a walk in the forest sees a little fella dressed in green with his head bobbing up and down between his legs, so the yank says to him are you Leprechaun? Q: Why cant leprechaun ever end a golf game? After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the WebLeprechaun Jokes Q: Why are leprechauns so concerned about global warming? To make a rain-bow. No posts match the widget criteria. "No, my son. Because they're always wearing green. Why do leprechauns giggle when they play soccer? 'I hear O'Brien died,' said Pat. One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". May you be a half hour in heaven before the devil knows youre dead. I wanna be rich! now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Clover. A: Theyre very short-tempered. -Sammy Wilson. A: They refuse to leave the green. What's Irish and stays out all night? He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. There was no mist. "Shit! The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my, There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. Q: What did the leprechaun say on March 17? What is a leprechauns One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con. What do you call a leprechauns vacation home? A: So they can go green. An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. The pedestrians crossed ages ago whens it time for the Catholics?!'. ", A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. A: Because Irish stew. A rainbow. A: A Jolly Green Giant. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. To every monastery in every county. The Irish certainly love to take the piss, but they mean no harm; its all just a bit of good old fashioned craic. Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out. Sure youd be arrested for less!'. Lucky Charms! Here, you'll find everything from hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! When its a French fry. - Sista-matic. So I took a dump on the floor and chewed up her shoes. Theyre awesome. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. Have you been drinking, Father? asks the Garda. Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? Look, David. A troll, a hag and a leprechaun walk into a bar They play their brag-pipes. You can buy one drink and get a second one free. Paddy goes into a Dublin florist and says he wants to buy a bunch of flowers for his girlfriend. Three men find a Leprechaun and he says, "I will snap my fingers and we will be at the top of my rainbow." and the bartender says, "What do guys think this is, a joke?". Patrick's Day one liners. Brilliant!" A: Sham-rocks, Q: What is it called when leprechauns do the wrong dance move? Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. So theyre perfect both for kids and adults. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! The American asks, "where'd ya get that big dick? Erin Cavoto is the Editorial Assistant at ThePioneerWoman.com, covering food, holidays, home decor, and more. Bobs starts his business when Jim yells "COP". What type of bow cannot be tied? Well, replied the doctor, You only have 3 days to live. The funniest sub on Reddit. Go home, she is waiting for you in your bed, ready to give you the greatest night of your life." How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. If you ever catch a leprechaun, they may grant you 3 wishes so youll release them. and the bartender says, "What do guys think this is, a joke?". A French Fry. I have to do 3 hours of sensitivity training. See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes. Good Lord, hes done it again! What do you call a big Irish spider? 'Was he ill long?' We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent.". Lucky charms. Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin? A: To get to the other side, Q: What do leprechauns leave out on their lawn all summer? Pat. What do they call the Irish jig at McDonalds? Paddy answers and replies, How would I know? The last two places said the same thing. A leprechaun artist! What is Irish diplomacy? The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note." In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the back-room for a shag He couldnt find three wise men or a virgin. WebOut of curiosity the guy ask the leprechaun man how can I get my cock to grow that big. The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first. A: A Potty Gold. Jade is currently on a campervan adventure around Europe, where she continues to get her travel and food inspiration. (Sister Matic). Not everyday you see one of my kind! Since leprechauns are associated with St. Patricks Day in America, here are some funny St. Patricks Day puns. Are you going to shear those sheep?, I am not, the neighbour replied. How do you know if an Irishman is having fun? Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy, submissons by: antony_basketball_35, Mriley, jasminduncanson, dyson917, harlemshaker16. A leap The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. While you can share some meaningful St. Patrick's Day quotes or St. Patrick's Day Instagram captions on social media, you can also add some of these jokes to make sure the day is one that's full of laughter. What is a huge Irish spider called? Join our discord: https://discord.gg/jokes, So an American in Ireland walks into a bathroom. WebThese jokes are great for movie fans, music fans, and drinking fans alike. The leprechaun nodded then said "You have a family don't you?" The leprechaun reply's well you see me top hat don?t ya, you see me green suit don't ya, and is it not St. pattys day, what more proof do you need laddy. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!" When Colm arrives at his ball, he sees a little red bearded man dressed in green lying unconscious with a large knot on, So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. How should you buy drinks on St. Patricks Day? You cant do that, says the Irishman. 19 Arthur St, Belfast, Northern Ireland, BT1 4GA. A: Irish you a Happy St. Patricks Day. So check em out now. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, Here! I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus homeThat may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The leprechaun first says, "I will grant ye three wishes, and then in return get me own wish." He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here! Theres really no subject thats off-limits in Ireland, so be prepared when it comes to dirty jokes. Q: What is nuahcerpel? And the closest town is about a mile away. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? ". They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. Are you from Ireland? This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half. "Tell that leprechaun that if he "There is more friendship in a half pint of whiskey than in a churn of buttermilk." The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard and hung like a horse. A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Good Comebacks, Roasts, & Burns: Best 99+ You Need To Know, 139 Best Funny Pick Up Lines To Make Her Laugh & Blush, 179 Steven Spielberg Quotes That Will Inspire You, Funny Penguin Jokes: 11 Best That Will Make You Laugh & More, Dead Birds Falling From Sky Are The Fallout From The Great Resignation. The guy stands there and thinks to himself he does have a point! Please tell me it was quick? But this is a newsagents'. Clover here and I'll tell you! A: A rainbow. A stroke of good luck, So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar. "OK then, I wish that I was married to the hottest woman on Earth, who lived for nothing other than the need to satisfy my every sexual desire." "Lads" says the Leprechaun, pointing to his right: "this is a wishing slide, when you slide down it, just make a wish, and whatever it is ya wish for, you'll land in it!". If you have a tiny green ball in one hand, and a tiny green ball in the other, what do you have? WebI might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick's Day I will be 100% drunk. I havent been feeling myself lately, replied Paddy. Comedy Gold! Q: Why cant you borrow money from a leprechaun? Thats good says Paddy. I was sent home early today. What's small, lucky, and green all over? I met a leprechaun, and he gave me three wishes. I said, that. Emphasis onsome. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction. ", An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A: To get to the other side! It counts as a vegetable! Why is cubic zirconia popular on St. Patrick's Day? "Lassie, it's your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!" The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat. The leprechaun looks around and says, "Saints preserve us! Pat who? Pat. God. May your blessings outnumber The shamrocks that grow, A nun comes out and the Leprachuan asks in a thick Irish accent "sister you gotta help me. The guy being drunk turns around and says hold on, are you really a leprechaun? WebLeprechaun: "Ahh, laddie, that's a pretty tall order. St. OClause! A: In the dictionary. One turns to the other and says, It was a 2. Hello. A bachelor. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? Why shouldnt you borrow money from a leprechaun? That you have too much time on your hands! After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss. Someone bought shots. Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow. What did the leprechaun say when the video game ended? The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? A lot of small talk. This section is just for you. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. Because they have cotton balls. What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? If youre looking for some funny Irish jokes, the ones below should give you a giggle! Nobody can really remember much of what happened after that. If you have a question that we havent tackled, ask away in the comments section below. A: He already had pot of gold, Q: What do you call a leprechaun who goes to prison? Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Q: What did the leprechaun call the happy man wearing green? Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? The man turned around and the leprechaun asks "how old are you?" Well duh, why else would leprechauns hide their gold at the end of the rainbow. Raise your hand if you are 1% Irish today. No one is saying anything smart. I'm in a bit of a pickle and you're the only one who can help.". Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on St Patricks Day, but only have 50 cents between them. And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go. To get to the pot of gold faster! Because theyre always a little short. Because they're very short-tempered! Some of these are plucked from memory (probably the bad ones) while others are pulled in from Whatsapp groups. "Just water," says the priest. With a quick snap the men are on the rainbow. I'm in the wrong joke! A: Because theyre always wearing green. Great for parties, events, cards and trick-or-treating. One lad digging the holes. I will, says the friend. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? Does that make him a leprechaun? Paddys walking home from the pub when he finds a woman tied to the railway track. It's best celebrated with fun and festive .css-1e1wdvt{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:inherit;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:#0A5C80;-webkit-transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;transition:all 0.3s ease-in-out;}.css-1e1wdvt:hover{color:#000000;text-decoration-color:#0A5C80;}St. Patrick's Day games, maybe a few DIY St. Patrick's Day decorations, and even the best St. Patrick's Day recipes (we're looking at you, Irish soda bread!). A: Because theyre green! Our next hilarious Irish dirty joke is about an Irish couple. and the leprechaun says, "Done! asked Bridget. Q: What did the baby leprechaun find at the end of the rainbow? St Patricks Day Bar Jokes Bugs Bunny. things!!". They are short-tempered. I thought to myself as he approached the urinal that there was no way that he would be able piss in the "adult" urinal, but he s. Why are leprechauns always laughing when they're running? He frees her and takes her home, where they make passionate love all night. Theres probably a handful of great bad Irish jokes below, along with some shite ones, too. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk. Mother superior answers the door and is surprised to see two leprechauns, one looks older. The urinal is one of those long trench types without walls to separate people. Irish Priest 50 Best St Patricks Day Jokes . A man got himself a wee bit too drunk on St Patrick's day and is stumbling towards home. A leprechaun who recycles. Youre joking says the patient. What do you call a bad Irish dance? And of course, what kind of St. Patricks Day jokes would be complete without the best of the best knock-knock jokes and puns galore. "Why not?" What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? 3. Jagermeister has been discussed. Never iron a four lover because you don't want to press your luck. Touch my Lucky Charms & I will choke your little Leprechaun If you thought Valentine's Day was for all the kissing? WebFive Funny Short Jokes for St Patrick's Day 'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. Whether you plan on incorporating St. Patricks Day crafts or activities, or even reading a St. Patricks Day book, we also think your students will A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips., A man from Cork was in with his doctor. A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Theyd rather jig than jog. So Bob throws his hat over the pile of shit. An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbours fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying two sheep in his arms. What's an Irish jig at McDonald's called? What do you call a fake Irish stone? They need all the luck they can get! Spam likes = blocked. Knock, knock! WebThe undivided attention of a leprechaun. Then a Leprechaun came out from behind a tree and stood before him. "Well, lass, we're the only ones still standing. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's. Paddy had never done one, so Mary said shell show him. BOOOOOOs. Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine. Q: Why do leprechauns prefer dollar bills over coins? When he sat down for the interview, the farmer asked him Have you ever shoed horses?, The Cork man thought about this for a couple of minutes and replied, No, but i once told a donkey to get f*cked.. Who's there? So an American in Ireland walks into a bathroom. Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a pool? Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? Neither exist. Embarrassed, he apologizes, Father O'Malley was walking through the fields in Belfast when he looked down and saw a four leaf clover. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! What do ghosts drink on St. Patrick's Day? Because they're. The whole feckin bed by the looks of it!, Prepare yourself for this next hilarious Irish dirty joke. To keep from falling in the stew! A: Because theyre always a little short. The leprechaun makes a deal with the man. One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con. Or looking for Irish jokes for kids? Tony, he called. Q: Who was the leprechauns favorite super hero? Now show me to your pot o gold!" Q: What did the leprechaun order to drink at the Chinese restaurant? The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. Just water, replied the priest. He gets O'ffended. A man said that a leprechaun, a walking tree, and a dragon walked into a bar. In the dictionary. ! Well no. My wife asked if I would give it to her "doggy style." Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. A sham rock Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. A Shamrock Shake. I might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick's Day I will be 100% drunk. According to folklore, leprechauns spend their time as shoemakers who hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows. These leprechaun jokes are great for parents and teachers for St. Patricks Day or when reading stories that include leprechauns. These jokes are kid-friendly, but their groan-worthyyet undeniably sillypunchlines are guaranteed to make the adults giggle too. Returning visitor? I stir it in with my left hand, replied the first lad. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy. What is the Zombie equivalent of a Leprechaun's Pot o' Gold? Whats the bad news? He believes in bringing about positive change through good-natured humor and innovative technology. How did the Irish Jig get started? He orders a huge tankard of beer and sits down right next to a leprechaun. A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share?